If You Were Gay
by Yami hitokiri
Summary: Malik feels that he and his yami need to have a little talk but it doesn't exactly go the way he had planned. ONESHOT


I guess this is a Christmas Special but only because I'm updating on Christmas, near Christmas? The story doesn't really have anything to do with Christmas or presents or cookies or fat men jumping down chimneys.

I've been too busy to update my Padded Cells story; I need to make some changes to the beginning of the chapter. SORRY! (bows repeatedly)

This one-shot was inspired by a song from the musical Avenue Q called "If you were gay". It's the most hilarious song ever. This fic was also inspired by the fact that all the guys in Yuugiou are gay AND YOU ALL KNOW IT! (points threateningly)

Obviously, this has mention of homosexualness in it, shounenai, yaoi whatever you want to call it. Its got language, can't have a good fic without language. And there's some curse words too.

"Hikari" means light.

"Yami" means dark.

ENJOY OR ELSE!

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**If You Were Gay**

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"At last!" Yami no Malik cried as he threw himself down onto the couch with a bowel of popcorn, remote in hand. "An afternoon alone, without my meddling hikari to bother me!" 

Television, Yami no Malik had soon found, was one of the greater modern convinces. There was an entire channel devoted to showing old televised Duel Monster matches between famous duelists. They never showed any of Yami no Malik's old duels, Yami no Games didn't have very good reception obviously, but they showed Yugi vs Kaiba duel a lot and that just happened to be Yami no Malik's favorite duel. Yugi and Kaiba were always fun to watch because they made weird faces and sounds when something happened and made very strange poses when they we feeling particularly victorious.

But he mostly loved this episode because Yugi wore an extremely nice shirt. Extremely nice meaning, almost non-existent.

Yami no Malik munched on some popcorn. 'I wonder how Kaiba gets into those pants?' Yami no Malik mused, chuckling wickedly to himself.

At that moment the door to the apartment slammed open. "Hey Yami!" Malik cried, his voice so cheerful it was sickening.

Yami no Malik jumped. 'Dammit!' he cried silently. Malik peered over his darkness' shoulder.

"What cha watchin?" he asked, settling down on the other side of the couch and grabbing the popcorn bowel from his yami. Yami no Malik stole the popcorn roughly back.

"TV. What does it look like I'm watchin, bastard!" Yami no Malik spat stuffing fistfuls of buttery kernels into his mouth.

"Why do you even watch this crap? You lost this tournament, remember?" Malik questioned, glaring at his yami skeptically. Yami no Malik hesitated.

"Ah… I'm studying Yugi's and Kaiba's… strategies," Yami no Malik lied awkwardly.

Malik raised an eyebrow doubtfully. "Strategies… right," he spoke doubtfully. Yami no Malik scowled angrily at his hikari and busied himself by cramming for artery clogging snack into his mouth moodily.

"What the hell are you doing here anyway? I thought you were over at Yugi's."

"Oh, I was… Some stuff just came up…" Malik answered vaguely, twirling his thumbs. "Actually it was the strangest thing," Malik began, no longer looking at the TV but straight at his yami. Yami no Malik groaned, another one of his hiraki's useless stories. "Yugi was talking to me, you know and he smiling at me and being all friendly…"

"Oh, that's _very_ interesting," Yami no Malik growled sarcastically, eyes glued to the flashing television screen, examining how Kaiba's pants clung to his well built form in all the right places.

"…you know, I think he might have been coming on to me," Malik said casually.

"WHAT!" Yami no Malik cried, tearing his stare away from the TV and looking horrified at his hiraki.

"Yeah, I think Yugi might be _gay_. He and his yami have always been way too close," Malik mused mildly. Yami no Malik gulped and turned back to the TV.

"So? Why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care," Yami no Malik said stiffly.

"Well, you don't have to get all defensive about it," Malik said, watching his yami innocently.

"I'm NOT getting defensive!" Yami no Malik snapped fiercely at his hiraki. "What do I care if Yugi is gay or not?"

Malik grinned cat-like. "Its not like I meant anything by it, yami dearest," Malik said sweetly. "I just think this is something we should be able to talk about-"

"I _don't_ want to talk about it! I am watching TV!" Yami no Malik spat angrily.

Malik sighed dramatically. "Alright, but just so you know… if you were, you know, _gay_ I would be totally ok with it."

"WHAT!" Yami no Malik actually dropped his entire bowel of popcorn that time, his normally dark skinned face had just gone five shades paler. "W-where in hell did you get that idea?" Yami no Malik accused.

"Well, I'm speaking hypothetically, _of course_," Malik continued slyly. "Because if it did turn out that you… _swung_ that way," Malik said.

Yami no Malik rolled his eyes. "I'm not listening to this."

"That would be totally your business! And I would certainly _never_ try to get in your way or anything." Yami no Malik glared daggers at his lighter half.

"Hikari, I am trying to watch something-" Yami no Malik growled.

"Cause if you wanted to start, you know, _doing stuff_ with people like Yugi-"

"Hikari! That's GROSS!" Yami no Malik cried, looking both offended and appalled.

"No it's not!" Malik shouted forcefully back at him jumping to his feet. Yami no Malik blinked very slowly and Malik looked slightly panicked. "I'm just _saying_ that I would support you one hundred percent!"

"But I'm not-" Yami no Malik protested.

"Not that _I'm_ gay or anything," Malik added hastily, "But I just wanted to let you know that if you _were_ you could tell me cause we've been through a lot and you can totally trust me."

"Hikari," Yami no Malik growled.

"And you know _if_ I was gay, I know I could trust that you would accept me-"

"Hikari, I'm NOT gay!" Yami no Malik shouted finally.

"You know, I read that suppressing those feelings can be very unhealthy," Malik reminded his yami logically.

"I'm not in denial cause I'm not gay!" Yami no Malik screamed, standing up as well, the Kaiba's and Yugi's poses completely forgotten.

"Of course you are!" Malik cried.

"What do you mean 'of course'?" Yami no Malik accused deathly.

"You spend all day drooling over Yugi and Kaiba!" Malik pointed out.

"I do not drool!" Yami no Malik exclaimed.

"And I've never seen you hit on any girls like Anzu before-"

"Who'd hit on that slut!" Yami no Malik countered.

"And you and Bakura always go out on those _private_ _fishing_ trips! I've never seen one fish! Not one!" Malik cried, almost hysterical.

"That's cause we always go to the bar and get drunk!" Yami no Malik admitted angrily. Malik's eyes lit up suspiciously.

"A gay bar?" Malik accused.

"NO!" Yami no Malik shouted. "And anyway, how dare _you_ accuse me? If anyone's gay, you are!" Malik jumped backward.

"Where'd you get that from?" Malik cried, looking suddenly nervous.

"You always wear those girlie little shirts and that show off your stomach," Yami no Malik answered easily, gesturing towards Malik's shirt.

"Its not girlie! It's got chains on it!" Malik said defensively.

"Oh yes, very kinky," Yami no Malik scoffed.

"It's not my fault I look sexy!" Malik shrieked, his perfect platinum blonde hair becoming disheveled.

"You look queer," Yami no Malik snapped. "And you always wear those tight pants…"

"So do Yugi and Kaiba!" Malik insisted.

"I thought you just said Yugi was gay," Yami no Malik said, smirking.

"W-well, Kaiba's not!" Malik cried. "…to the best of my knowledge…"

"And you care about your hair too much," Yami no Malik added. "You spend like, what? Three hours in the bathroom making it perfect."

"There's nothing wrong with that!" Malik cried, almost red in the face.

"Well I never heard you deny it," Yami no Malik accused darkly. "Why were pushing the subject of gays so much?" Yami no Malik added. Malik opened his mouth but nothing came out for a few moments.

"I… well, I," Malik began, color draining from his face.

"Cause you know, my hikari dearest," Yami no Malik growled, taking a step forward. "That if you really did _dance_ on that side of the fence, I would totally support you."

"I never said-" Malik tried, backing up.

"I mean, it's your business, I'm not going to stand in your way. Hypothetically, of course," Yami no Malik added casually, closing in. Malik stumbled as he ran into a table behind him.

"Yami, I didn't mean-" Malik protested.

"Haven't we've been through so much already, the two of us…?" Yami no Malik mused. He had reached the table; his pale eyes were narrowed enticingly.

"Well yeah, but-" Malik mumbled, looking utterly terrified now that he was cornered.

"I would never want to change you, hikari… even if, by some chance, one day you realized that you were inclined more towards the bratwurst than to the cupcake…" Yami no Malik hissed. He placed his hands on either side of the trembling Malik on the edge of the table.

Malik gulped. "Yami, what are you…?" Yami no Malik grinned wickedly.

"Cause if you suddenly found that you… shivered, _quivered_ at the sight of a nice slab of tasty man flesh," Yami no Malik sighed dramatically, "I guess, I'll _have_ to live with it…"

"Yami…" Malik spoke, throat tight and eyes very wide.

"So do you, hikari?" Yami no Malik whispered, leaning casually forward so his mouth was up against Malik's ear. Malik took in a sharp breath, body stiff.

"I… I…" Malik stammered. Yami no Malik was very, very close, too close for Malik to think clearly.

"Yes…?" Yami no Malik hissed, his hot breath tickled Malik's ear.

"…I… guess," Malik gulped.

"Really?" Yami no Malik asked brightly and then all the sudden jumped off him. The air escaped from Malik's lungs, rather disappointedly. His expression was dazed and extremely befuddled, still leaning stiffly against the table. "Well, I'm glad that's all cleared up," Yami no Malik said briskly before turning around and slopping back on the couch to watch the rest of Kaiba and Yugi.

After several long moments, Malik managed to pull himself off the table. The meaning he had just said seeping slowly into his skull.

'Oh crap…' Malik cursed silently.

"And do you?" Malik cried frantically. Yami no Malik's eyes didn't look up from the TV.

His yami shrugged carelessly. "Oh… I don't know." The bottom dropped out of Malik's weak stomach. His brain snapped.

"You _don't_ FUCKING KNOW!" Malik screamed, completely enraged. Yami no Malik shrugged again. Malik seethed with hatred, face turning red with anger and embarrassment. "YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Malik shrieked, stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door so loudly behind him that the walls trembled.

Yami no Malik winced. He looked around the empty apartment and then grinned maliciously, settling comfortingly back onto the couch.

"Heehee, now I got the apartment to myself again," Yami no Malik laughed, scooping up some spilled popcorn on the floor and eating it. "Oh Yugi, you and your silly belts…"

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I know what you're all thinking. "What the hell is a bratwurst?" Good question. I have no idea. I think it's some kinda meat, maybe beef? (shrug) Go celebrate the Christmas spirit and hug a cow. (hugs a cow)

Yeah, that's about it. Yami no Malik's a jerk with bad table manners but we already knew that.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Gift me a present by REVIEWING!


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